Friday, August 17, 2012

Moving forward...and now we wait...some more

We've made some major decisions over the past couple of weeks.  We decided to move forward with surrogacy in India using an Indian egg donor.  The down side is, we have to wait until April to transfer.  So again we wait and I am trying to keep myself occupied so I don't obsess over this.

We agonized over which road to take, but ultimately, we decided we were just making a simple decision very complicated.  It took the news of a friend's cancer returning to put things in perspective for me.  I was very upset by the news and it made the possibility of a recurrence of my cancer very real to me.  Suddenly it seemed foolish to stop taking the drug that could prevent a recurrence, and compound the risk by elevating my hormone levels with an IVF cycle or pregnancy.  I felt (and still feel) a fair amount of guilt that while I have the option of taking a drug to prevent a recurrence, and my friend does not, I was seriously considering choosing to not take the drug and tempt fate.  Once again life is showing me just how unfair it is.

So, it will be several months before we have much to report on the baby front.  In the mean time, I will be working on myself and trying to come to terms with the anger I feel toward the unfairness of life and our situation...and, of course, counting down the days until we transfer.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

...and We're Back

This is probably the sixth post I have tried to write in the past 6 weeks.  I've been avoiding blog land since our bad news at the end of June.  The good news for other couples felt like salt in our wounds and bad news for other couples made us feel even worse.  I have once again been struggling to come to terms with the anger I feel toward our situation.  Having always been an optimistic person who sees the glass as half full, I have found myself not seeing the good in anything in our life.  And to be perfectly honest, since our first BFN, our life has been full of bad news and horrible luck.  Mike's mom actually said over a month ago that she had never seen people with such bad luck...and she knows nothing about our baby plans.

But, I digress.  We have spent the last 6 weeks grieving, being angry, putting out fires (figuratively), and trying to figure out our next step on the road to parenthood.  There are several obstacles in our way, but my health and our finances are the two biggest.  Basically, as we see it, we have three options.  First, we could try again with SCI using an ED.  Second, we could scrap the whole surrogacy in India idea and TTC the old fashioned way.  Third, (and this idea came to me like a ton of bricks last week) self-cycling with SCI might be the happy medium between the other two options.  None of these options offers a perfect solution for us.  (But then, if we had the perfect solution, we wouldn't be in this boat, would we?)

So we are still gathering facts and talking to doctors and trying to decide the best way for us to go.  We have hundreds of questions, none of which have any definitive answers and we are in an impossible position. We will just have to take all of the information that our doctors can give us and make the best decision for us.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Now What?

Another BFN with the added drama and heartbreak of a chemical pregnancy.  I'm not sure where we go from here.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

...And the 2WW...again

We had our second transfer on Friday.  Three of our "pops" survived the thaw...again.  I must admit, I'm terrified.  These "pops" seem like they are better quality than the ones transferred last time, but I'm scared they aren't good enough.  I know how silly that is since the grade of the "pop" won't matter one way or the other in the end.

I was so convinced that it was our turn for something to go right for us that I never considered that our first attempt would be a BFN.  With this second attempt, I feel very disconnected.   I'm scared to enjoy the anticipation.  There is so little that we as IPs of a pregnancy on the other side of the world can do to feel connected to the baby growing in another woman's womb.  So we obsess over every email searching for hidden messages.  We consult with Dr. Google over every single test and scan and result.  We stare into the face of the woman who is loaning us her body so that we can feel like we know her.  We (speaking for what I am expecting of myself) go insanely overboard creating the perfect nursery for the child we are trying so hard to bring into the world.  We do these things so that we can feel involved in the creation and birth of our child because the only true contact we have with our pregnancy, is through a computer screen.

So now we wait...and I will try to get over my fear and enjoy the anticipation.  Because, even though I know how crushed I would be with another BFN, I need to experience this pregnancy as much as I can.  And that means building up the courage and getting on the roller coaster...again.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Two Years

Today is the two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.  So, I am officially a two-year cancer survivor.   I have very mixed feelings about my cancer-versary.  On the one hand I am eternally grateful that I am 2 years cancer free and hopeful that one day I will be a 40 year survivor.  On the other hand, it dredges up all of the emotions and stress associated with my diagnosis.   Two years ago today, our life was derailed and set on an entirely new course.   Two years later, we are still trying to put our life back together and we are still getting used to the new normal.

It's kind of funny to me, but I look at this surrogacy journey we are on and our impending parenthood as not so different from our cancer journey.  Both are out of the ordinary and, in their own way, journeys into the unknown.  Both are stressful, (one is bad stress, one is good stress...but stress is stress) resulting in short tempers and sleepless nights.  Both have unknown outcomes with the high potential for complications and heartbreak.  Both change the lives of the people involved completely and irrevocably.  Both are terrifying.  For me, both of them are nine month journeys.  I was diagnosed in June and my treatment was complete in March.  In reality, neither is truly a nine month journey.  Both are journeys that last a lifetime.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A Special Day for a Special Guy

Today is a special day for someone who is very special to me.  Not many people outside of my family know this, because I do not talk about it...ever.  A decade ago (in another life) I was married.  It was a very brief marriage, 2 years if you count the 6 months we were separated before the divorce was final.  What very few people know, and I never talk about, is I have a stepson.

Today is his 18th birthday.  K. was 6 when I met him and almost 8 the last time I saw or spoke to him.  Not a year has gone by that I do not think about him on June 6.   Today he is an adult and this week, very likely, he is graduating from high school.  I miss him very much, and I often wonder how he is doing.  Losing him was, and still is, very painful for me.  He was my stepson, and for a few days each week for a year and a half, I got to be his mom.  I got to pick him up from school, and help him with his homework.  I got to tuck him into bed and play board games with him.

Today he is taking his first steps into adulthood, but in my head he is always going to be the blond haired cutie I knew a decade ago.  I hope that as K begins his life, he makes good choices and finds happiness in whatever he does.   I have not forgotten you K, and you will always have a place in my heart.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Not Black...But Still Blue

Thank you everyone for all of your love and support.  One of the hardest things yesterday was not being able to turn to the people closest to us for comfort.  All of your messages of support mean a lot to us.  After a day of mourning our BFN and a good night's sleep (and maybe a glass...or two...of wine) we are not feeling so black, but we're still feeling pretty blue.  Life goes on and we will try again.  We're considering our options.

The negative result was just the icing on the cake of a lousy holiday weekend.  On Sunday morning Mike hit a deer with his truck.  He's OK, but may have totaled the truck.  Then later that day, he broke his toe getting into the shower.  On top of all that, two of our parents are having some pretty serious medical issues.  Then we got the news of our pregnancy test.  All in all, a very crappy Memorial Day weekend for us. 

I'm having a really hard time staying positive.  This was supposed to be the thing that goes our way, the thing that doesn't end up being a struggle for us.  We are so overdue for a good thing in our lives, I was certain that this would be it.  So I guess we take it one step, and one day at a time...hope the truck is not totaled, hope the parents get and stay healthy, and try again to make a baby...or two.