Friday, August 17, 2012

Moving forward...and now we wait...some more

We've made some major decisions over the past couple of weeks.  We decided to move forward with surrogacy in India using an Indian egg donor.  The down side is, we have to wait until April to transfer.  So again we wait and I am trying to keep myself occupied so I don't obsess over this.

We agonized over which road to take, but ultimately, we decided we were just making a simple decision very complicated.  It took the news of a friend's cancer returning to put things in perspective for me.  I was very upset by the news and it made the possibility of a recurrence of my cancer very real to me.  Suddenly it seemed foolish to stop taking the drug that could prevent a recurrence, and compound the risk by elevating my hormone levels with an IVF cycle or pregnancy.  I felt (and still feel) a fair amount of guilt that while I have the option of taking a drug to prevent a recurrence, and my friend does not, I was seriously considering choosing to not take the drug and tempt fate.  Once again life is showing me just how unfair it is.

So, it will be several months before we have much to report on the baby front.  In the mean time, I will be working on myself and trying to come to terms with the anger I feel toward the unfairness of life and our situation...and, of course, counting down the days until we transfer.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

...and We're Back

This is probably the sixth post I have tried to write in the past 6 weeks.  I've been avoiding blog land since our bad news at the end of June.  The good news for other couples felt like salt in our wounds and bad news for other couples made us feel even worse.  I have once again been struggling to come to terms with the anger I feel toward our situation.  Having always been an optimistic person who sees the glass as half full, I have found myself not seeing the good in anything in our life.  And to be perfectly honest, since our first BFN, our life has been full of bad news and horrible luck.  Mike's mom actually said over a month ago that she had never seen people with such bad luck...and she knows nothing about our baby plans.

But, I digress.  We have spent the last 6 weeks grieving, being angry, putting out fires (figuratively), and trying to figure out our next step on the road to parenthood.  There are several obstacles in our way, but my health and our finances are the two biggest.  Basically, as we see it, we have three options.  First, we could try again with SCI using an ED.  Second, we could scrap the whole surrogacy in India idea and TTC the old fashioned way.  Third, (and this idea came to me like a ton of bricks last week) self-cycling with SCI might be the happy medium between the other two options.  None of these options offers a perfect solution for us.  (But then, if we had the perfect solution, we wouldn't be in this boat, would we?)

So we are still gathering facts and talking to doctors and trying to decide the best way for us to go.  We have hundreds of questions, none of which have any definitive answers and we are in an impossible position. We will just have to take all of the information that our doctors can give us and make the best decision for us.