We had our second transfer on Friday. Three of our "pops" survived the thaw...again. I must admit, I'm terrified. These "pops" seem like they are better quality than the ones transferred last time, but I'm scared they aren't good enough. I know how silly that is since the grade of the "pop" won't matter one way or the other in the end.
I was so convinced that it was our turn for something to go right for us that I never considered that our first attempt would be a BFN. With this second attempt, I feel very disconnected. I'm scared to enjoy the anticipation. There is so little that we as IPs of a pregnancy on the other side of the world can do to feel connected to the baby growing in another woman's womb. So we obsess over every email searching for hidden messages. We consult with Dr. Google over every single test and scan and result. We stare into the face of the woman who is loaning us her body so that we can feel like we know her. We (speaking for what I am expecting of myself) go insanely overboard creating the perfect nursery for the child we are trying so hard to bring into the world. We do these things so that we can feel involved in the creation and birth of our child because the only true contact we have with our pregnancy, is through a computer screen.
So now we wait...and I will try to get over my fear and enjoy the anticipation. Because, even though I know how crushed I would be with another BFN, I need to experience this pregnancy as much as I can. And that means building up the courage and getting on the roller coaster...again.